Sidetracked - Daily ramblings of someone who has more important things to do

Side tracked? I am. Try as I might to stay focussed on work, something always manages to distract me.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement
by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a
McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black
box'.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after
booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you
got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth
seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in
the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before
you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter
in your bed instead.

PEARLHARBOUR. Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like
she's got four buttocks

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes a the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. Is there another word for synonym?

8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

9. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

13. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

15. How is it possible to have a civil war?

16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

19. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

20. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

22. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

A dog goes into a butchers shop, it's got a little bag around it's neck containing some money, and it's carrying a letter in it's mouth. The butcher takes the note, which reads...

The butcher is a little taken aback, but decides to give to dog what is on the list. So, he makes up the order, takes the money, hangs the goods round the dogs neck and drops the change back into the little bag. Once he'd finished the dog turned round and left the shop. The butcher just could'nt believe how clever this dog is.

This carries on over the next few days, each time the dog brings a list, and takes the order home.

After the fourth day, the butcher decides he is going to follow the dog to find out where it goes, and to congratulate the dog's owner on having trained the dog so well. So when the dog leaves, he tell his assistant to mind the shop for him and he sets off after the dog. He follows the dog for about fifteen minutes, as it crosses the round, walks round the corner, over the bridge, down a side street, until it arrives at it's owners house. When it gets to the front door, the dog stands on it's back legs and knocks on the door.

The owner of the dog opens the front door, and the first thing he does is to give the dog a kick!

The butcher runs up to him and says "you can't treat him like that, he's the smartest dog in the world!"

"He can't be that smart - This is the thrid time this week he's forgotten his front door key!"

You would'nt usually see me in front of my PC during a Formula One Grand Prix, but today is a sad exception. Due to politics taking precedence over sportsmanship, the United States Grand Prix is made up of only 6 cars, from the Ferrari, Jordan and Minardi teams.

The reason for this farce? Michelin tyres advised their teams that it would not be safe to race on the their tyres, after 2 catastrophic failures and 9 less serious failures. The teams affected all said they would race if a chicane was added to the circuit to reduce speeds on the more dangerous corners, but the FIA and Ferrari objected. Apparently, the affected teams offered to race for no points, starting behind the unaffected Bridgestone runners, but no deal could be agreed.

Surely with tens of thousands of fans at the circuit, and millions of fans watching on television, the priority after safety considerations should have been to entertain the fans. Frankly I am very dissapointed and disillusiond with the sport, and especially with the FIA and Ferrari, and I would'nt be surprised if this was the last United States Grand Prix, and probably the end of Michelin as F1 tyre suppliers.